I'm Scared

I have trouble pretending everything is going to be OK. I like to know for a fact that it is, in fact, going to be OK; and that I'm not walking on thin ice. My dreams feel like a tightrope and I'm an unbalanced walker. I'm a quarter of the way across; and turning back and cowering in the corner seems much easier than trying to continue while I'm unsure if I'll fall. I don't necessarily have a negative outlook, at least I don't like to think that I do. I'm just afraid. The more I'm surrounded by people here, the more I feel that I'm very inexperienced. The closer I get, the more I feel like I'm being left behind. That scares me, and I can't block it all out. I'm unable to focus on the present because I'm so afraid of the future. I want to plan it, so I can enjoy it; and I can't plan it now because there are just too many variables.

I'm running out of things to think of when I close my eyes at night. I'm running out of things that don't drag on a huge train of thought that keeps me awake till 6 and 7 in the morning. It's annoying to say the least. Late night writing in notebooks, & listining to calm music have become staples in my bedtime routine. I've had enough. I've acctually gotten to the point where I'm content with going back to school, rather than having nothing else but the stupid damn future to think about. School isn't untill later. The start of school marks a countdown for taking my SAT exam. Naturally, I am terrified. I'm prepared, I'm smart, I'm freaking good! I'm still worried.

You know what... I'm an epic fail.

The Dream

Last night I nearly pulled an all-nighter. I slept at about 7 AM, because I was busy mulling stuff over in my head. I came up with a plan, a goal. I want to open up a bank account here in Egypt the minute I turn 16. When I finally move here and start college, I'll try to save up as much money as I can in said bank account. Bonus points ofcourse if I can score a job and have a steady income to put in this account. And finally after my 5 years in college (which I won't be paying for) when I've got a good amount of cash in my account (I keep saying 'account' because I'm 15 and excited and I want my own bank account!!!!), I will TRAVELLL!!!
So it's not a hugely original plan but I want to do it alone.
See, I want to save up for the airline ticket, and search for small B&Bs and motels all over England and the British countryside. I want to hop on trains and wander all over England for a whole month. Take pictures, sit in quiet coffee shops on my own, eat muffins, live out of a suitcase, discover ruins, etc...
It's an idealistic little dream, but it's possible. I want to take a month all to myself before I settle down completely, and find a stable job. It may be too early to think about it right now, but I like to plan things early on. I may not even have the same dream 7 years from now; we may all die in 2012 and I won't even go to college! Haha but I thought I'd share it.
I won't be going to college away from my family, because that just isn't 'how we do yo!'. Girls don't normally leave home in our culture. A month to myself, discovering new territory seems perfect to me.

What were your plans for 'after college'?
&What do you think of mine?

Ain't Gonna Lose You

You can put a stick in my spokes
I can be the butt of your jokes
I can be the laughing stock, I can be the hoax
But I ain't gonna lose you
No I ain't gonna lose

They can come and tear my house down
They can run me out of town
They can tie me up, call me a clown
But I ain't gonna lose you
No I ain't gonna lose you

I can't stand
The thought of another man
No I ain't gonna lose you

They can make me turn my back on my friends
Send me away to san quentin
Put me in the hole, a thousand times again
But I ain't gonna lose you
No I ain't gonna lose you

Throw me in a hurricane
Tell the whole world I've gone insane
Run an electric shock to my brain
But I ain't gonna lose you
No I ain't gonna lose you

I can't stand
The thought of another man
No I ain't gonna lose you
No I ain't gonna lose you
Ain't gonna lose X4

I'll sing it from my roof top
I'll sing it from the bus stop
I'll sing it on the street drunk to a cop
But I ain't gonna lose you
No I ain't gonna lose
Ain't gonna lose you
Ain't gonna lose

Underground Adventure

My Auntie 'H' and I ventured into into the Egyptian Underground in the afternoon to get across Cairo as fast as possible. The good thing is we made it, the bad thing is we nearly died. With your face stuffed in someone's armpit, and the rest of you jostled left and right by the masses of people getting on and off the carriage, it's difficult to form a coherent thought except counting down the stations till you get off. It's quite the experience. Yes, it may be uncomfortable, hectic, and downright unpleasant at times, but it's fun because it's so annoying. Do you understand how that feels?
The stupid ticket machince swallowed my ticket and didnt let me in twice, but I'd still do it all over again. Construction is underway for the yellow line. The pink and the green are already up and running. Auntie & I got on the pink like at Kubry Al-Oubba, then switched to the green at Mubarak, and finally got off at Road El Farag. We'd previously made the mistake of going to St. Theresa and then having to take the damn thing back to Road el Farag again with my mom, but this time we knew which way to go.It's inappropriate in arab culture for men and women to be stuffed shoulder to shoulder in one enclosed space, thus the presense of a ladies cart. Sometimes though if it's just one stop difference, or if she's with her brother/dad/cousin/boyfriend/husband or something it's OK for a lady to get on the men's cart. Let me tell you, I prefer the men's cart. Surprisingly, it smells a lot better than the womens cart.. -.-
How are you reader?

My Girly Guide To Freshman Year

There's a lot of debate around the internet these days about becoming freshmen. With school just around the corner, up comming freshmen are a little nervous about what to wear/how to act/what to say/etc.. I'm going to be a Junior this year, and I can safely say I've seen it all in the past two years (from being a helpless little freshman to watching poor little girls try too hard). So, I've devised this list to try and help you out a little dear freshman, and I hope it works.
What to wear:
1) You don't want to go over-the-top with piles and piles of accesories, make up, and bright colors/sequins/sparkles because it simply screams I'M-NEW-AND-I'M-TRYING-TOO-HARD. Of course this clashes with your desire to make a statement, but here's the thing. You need to be able to make a statement with your own abilities, or your own style. Wearing something that you wouldn't normally wear just leaves everyone with a fake impression about you. You ARE going to stay up cramming at night and you'll end up showing up at school looking vastly different. Add a small statement piece to an anotherwise 'totally-you'-outfit. Maybe a new scarf, or bold bangles, or a printed skirt, make it your own.
2)Consider the fact that you are going to be doing a lot of walking on your first day when picking a shoe.
3)Wear a watch. You really don't want to be late for class on your first day, if it happens it happens, but stay alert.
What to say:
1) Maybe you'll get lucky and you won't have one of those teachers that tell you to introduce yourself infront of the whole class, but I wasn't that lucky. Every teacher that I had asked me to introduce myself, talk about my previous school, etc.. If you are asked to do this, then keep it consice and clear. Raise your voice with confidence (even if you have to fake it), and give a small smile when you're finished. If the teacher cracks a small joke after you say something either think of a witty remark or smile and say nothing at all.
2) If you have some annoying teacher who chooses to begin his/her class immediately, don't be afraid to ask them questions. No it's not 'nerdy'.
How to Act:
1)Hold your head high and walk with confidence, don't slouch.
2)Don't gape at anyone. And don't point and whisper at anyone, not even other freshmen.
3)Compliment people. No I don't mean in the creepy way or anything, but pay someone a compliment about their backpack/tee/style/etc.. It's a good conversation starter.
4)Be Classy. Don't chew gum with your mouth open, don't show your underwear, don't curse too much.
Final Tips:
It's nice to decorate your locker with mementos and things that make you smile. That will brighten up any day.
Follow the rules regarding phones/iPods/cameras. You are really better off safe than sorry.
Do not bitch about people.
Do not form opinions about people from your first day/week because you really never know.
Keep your make up light, if you choose to wear make up at all. You will be sweating/running around/walking all over the place all day long so you really dont want anything cakey.
Do not tell anyone that you have a pack of gum. It'll be finished before you can blink.
Don't compare yourself to the seniors/juniors. They've been here longer, they're entitled to more things.
Do not get into anything shady through peer pressure. Don't drink underage, or smoke because it's cool. Sure you hear this all the time, but you never really know where you'll find the temptation and you have to know where your boundries/limits are.
If you do have a problem with bullies, report it. If talking to the bully doesnt work, go ahead and find the guidance councellor. It's not a 'little girl' act or anything. Being bullied really does eat away at your confidence and it affects you to your core, so if something is not right and you can't resolve it yourself speak up.
Finally, just be yourself.
Bad yearbook photos are inevitable, so don't feel bad if you look like Kermit.
So, what can you add?

Out of My Box

I've promised a lot of serious blogging in the summer, but I have completely failed. I've gotten caught up in a SAT Math prep course with a very energetic beach bum (he's not acctually a beach bum, he just dresses like that, and I enjoy calling him one). He's only seen me twice but we've come far, and he's pushing it farther. I've also gotten a good amount of reading done this summer (Paulo Coelho's The Winner Stands Alone, Muriel Zagha's Finding Monsieur Right, Agatha Christie's Clocks, JKRowling's 7th Harry Potter Book, & on my way to finishing Agatha's Sittaford Mystery), and I've got more books waiting for me. I really do reccomend the Coelho book. Other than my being a HUGE fan of his books, this one is a treasure. It critisizes all the marginally wrong aspects of 'celebrity' and the 'Superclass'; it's very very good. I also got Derek Blasberg's Classy shipped, but not at my current location. Oh I'm itttching to read that one.
I sadly have not been keeping my Chictopia account up to date, I'm much more interested in my Facebook account, and I can't find the inspiration or the drive to get dressed into something remotely chic every day. Maybe when I get back to school I'll update every weekend (I wear a uniform to school)? That'll motivate me... I think (I hope).
I've also found a big love for pickles. I LOVE PICKLES. Pickles all the time please.
I thought of contacting Lovelyish.com & posting a guide to being a freshman since there's a lot of debate around that. Lots of people are very nervous about starting highschool. I can't remember being that nervous, even though I was moving schools with an entirely new group of people.
Hmm. Might be worth it.

Unable

I stand unable to express myself, and unsure of how I feel. In mintues, everything I thought I knew collapsed around me. I realised that I knew absolutely nothing. I had so many questions, my questions have been answered, but somehow I am still not satisfied. I don't know how I feel. It is a huge wave of confusion, anger, sadness, happiness, and maybe freedom. Thinking about it makes me feel sick. In ways I am very real and present, and in others I am completely non existant. I find the whole situation ridiculous and I wish I could look upon it from an omnicient place in the clouds where I have nothing to feel about it at all. I feel broken in many ways, and yet relieved in yet more ways.
I feel physically tired from crying. My heart is both aching and rejoicing. I lie confused. I'm doing all I can to forget about it. It pops back up everytime I succesfully push it to the back of my mind. I was living a lie, or acctually, someone very close to me was living a complete lie and it has affected me greatly. I think the only way to really let it go is to write about it. Yet I'm not sure what to write. If I can't organize my thoughts and feelings, then how the hell am I supposed to organize a piece of writing?
I need something else to worry myself about. I need to ignore the fact that I was lied to my whole life, and move on. I need to cry it all out, but I think I've already dried my tearducts out.
I feel like shit.
Help.