I'm Scared

I have trouble pretending everything is going to be OK. I like to know for a fact that it is, in fact, going to be OK; and that I'm not walking on thin ice. My dreams feel like a tightrope and I'm an unbalanced walker. I'm a quarter of the way across; and turning back and cowering in the corner seems much easier than trying to continue while I'm unsure if I'll fall. I don't necessarily have a negative outlook, at least I don't like to think that I do. I'm just afraid. The more I'm surrounded by people here, the more I feel that I'm very inexperienced. The closer I get, the more I feel like I'm being left behind. That scares me, and I can't block it all out. I'm unable to focus on the present because I'm so afraid of the future. I want to plan it, so I can enjoy it; and I can't plan it now because there are just too many variables.

I'm running out of things to think of when I close my eyes at night. I'm running out of things that don't drag on a huge train of thought that keeps me awake till 6 and 7 in the morning. It's annoying to say the least. Late night writing in notebooks, & listining to calm music have become staples in my bedtime routine. I've had enough. I've acctually gotten to the point where I'm content with going back to school, rather than having nothing else but the stupid damn future to think about. School isn't untill later. The start of school marks a countdown for taking my SAT exam. Naturally, I am terrified. I'm prepared, I'm smart, I'm freaking good! I'm still worried.

You know what... I'm an epic fail.